Why Be Happy If You Can Be ART?

Diren M | / | comment
One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that we want to be happy. We just don't.

As humans we have a dying desire to be constantly unhappy and sad and heartbroken.

Why do Romeo and Juliet die? Why do we love sad songs?

Why don't you call him? - The telephone's right next to you, there's his number. All it takes is you calling him and telling him that, damn, you have never quite loved anybody the way you love him. He would say something like "I love you, too." and you would live happily ever after.

Why do you stay with her knowing better than anyone else that she is toxic and that all she does is hurt you again and again and again?

Why didn't you go to New York, huh? Why weren't you in London, or Iceland, or South Africa, or wherever it is really that you're heart was hungry for?

Why didn't you work harder? It could've been you walking up that stage and her watching you, not the other way round. Then she would've been the one drained in jealousy, jealousy, jealousy, and not you.

The truth is - sadness, pain, terror, jealousy, loneliness, regret ... - these monsters are your best friends. You love them more than anything else. More than anything else you love staying up until 4 a.m. crying because the tears and the feeling of something heavy dragging you down are the most beautiful emotions you have ever tasted.

And you are obsessed. You are obsessed with destroying yourself.

Drowning in a Blue-Green Ocean

Diren M | | comment
Everybody has one person they will never be able to forget. 
My person comes in a blue-green ocean. 
And I'm drowning in this ocean.

At night I drown in the memories, unable to sleep as I am dragged to the bottom of the ocean.

I fall deeper and deeper into the blue-green water, letting it take me, fill my mouth, lungs, mind. And I will die in this ocean, die at its bottom without air to breathe - hoping that perhaps in death I will be free from you. Free from the chains you have put on my mind, never letting my thoughts get out of the cage that is you - thoughts about you, dreams about you, tears for you. Everything is just you, you, you. There's no room for anything else.


Will you always be there in every sad song, in every painting, in every stranger's face I pass on the street, in the sunshine and in the moon's light, in joy and in sadness, in tears and smiles, will there always be your last words echoing through my head, never giving me peace, reminding me day for day for day for day that a chapter in my story will forever remain unwritten? A chapter that might have been my favorite one.

I always come back to you. To your words from that night. Try looking at it from a different perspective, from left then right, but never getting it right, never understanding why it won't let me go after days, months and years have passed.

But they haven't passed, have they? It was today, today, it happened t o d a y, just a few hours ago. Today is all I can think. It happened today but feels like something detached from time and place and everything apart from you and me. As if it always was, and will forever be.

I hate how you change everything in seconds. Two sentences, one glance and I'm disgusted by my own weakness.

Sometimes I try to walk away from it, but in the end all I do is walk in circles, always ending up in the same place - in the prison made up of your words. Then I'm wondering whether I'll ever be able to get out of it or if I'll be stuck forever.

Breathing is so hard when all I can do is think about you. IcannotstopIcannotstopIcannotstop thinkingaboutyou aboutyou you youyouyouyou. It's always you, and it's always me not being strong enough.

But the truth is when something really, truly bothers you, you can't get away from it. It will always be there - and either you change it or you die with the chains these words have tied around your wrists. That's just how life is. 

Some truths lie not in front of our eyes but inside our hearts and it's much harder with those to pretend they're not there.

And words once out, when derived from deep inner truth, come with a great, unbelievable freedom. And relief. Oh, the relief. 

Death is a pleasure when it means drowning in memories of you. Painful, but a pleasure nonetheless.

Thank you for making me feel this way. Thank you so much.

I can't take my mind off of you. I can't take my eyes off of you. 

Writing Update #1

Diren M | | comment
So, I have been meaning to write a novel for ages. Even had a go at NaNoWriMo a couple of times but it never wanted to work out. The story lost steam and every sentence I wrote seemed like the wrong one. Currently, I'm working on another thing. Sure, it's probably condemned to fail just as it has happened all the times before.

For some reason, though, I'm hopeful. Perhaps that is naïve. Somehow, without having written one single word of the novel itself, I'm closer to a finished first draft than never before. I have been planning a lot lately - a lot.

The idea of the story is kind of a mixture of all the ideas I had before. It takes the good from each of them. I've been working on the idea for quite a time now and I'm still not tired of it which is definitely a good sign.

I have done some wordbuilding with more than 2,000 words until now and that's not even the half of what I have to do to fully grasp the world and the setting. After that, I will concentrate on the characters - especially my protagonist needs to be prepared for her important role of being the novel's main driving force.

Last but not least, I will finally be able to flesh out the skeleton I keep calling my rough outline. Fill all the plot holes, think about the details of that particular conflict and that other plot twist.

The only thing left after that will be to transform the detailed outline into an even more detailed scene overview (yes, that's the extent to which I want to have the novel planned out before actually writing it!).

If everything goes as planned I will be able to do all this in August and September so that I can spend October doing some writing prompts and exercises and getting to know my characters better (by writing diary entries, social media posts and everything else I can think of).

And then when November and with it NaNoWriMo comes I want to finally write the novel and at the same time finally, finally win NaNoWriMo for the first time.

So yeah. Guess we will have to wait and see what happens next!

All the love, Diren.