diren's philtatos

I built a castle for you, my dear - I spent my years on it, day after day after day. I listened to songs written by some lonely souls far across the ocean and thought of you. I wrote you a poem, and another poem, and another poem, and then tried prose but I learned quickly that all the words in the world weren't enough. I drew your face on a serviette, on the back of my hand, on a piece of paper, on the pages of my favorite book, on walls and on the whole world. I spent a thought on you and became addicted. I let your name roll over my tongue, again and again and again. This is my castle for you. I built it all by myself and I will go down with this castle - let the earth beneath choke it all. I built you a castle, my dear - but does it even matter if I never had the courage to show it to you? I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO THINK. BUT AT LEAST I ALSO DON'T HAVE TIME TO MISS YOU ANYMORE.

Fear is asking yourself What if nothing will ever be as good?

There's a fly in my head and it just won't shut up. It keeps flying and buzzing and drawing its circles. Fuck you, stupid fly. And fuck him, really - for being the only reason why I'm still wide awake in the first place.

I let ordinary life part me from someone special and I pay the price every morning after having dreamed he's still here, he's still with me only to realize that he is not. I let him be taken away by  The-Way-Things-Just-Go and now things just go the way I never wanted them to.